October 14th 2015, somewhere around the world

I think I might go crazy. Every line I read, every song I listen to, every part of movie I see I perceive as a message. A divine message. I started watching The Clone again, the famous Brazilian soap opera which I was watching in 2003. The year when I began feeling, I began transforming, I began suffering, as a woman. 12 year have passed and…

I’m on the way of discovering the code of life, the path of destiny and all the information coming my way seems to link as a puzzle. First the too high flow of energy, then the Frequencies movie, then knowledge changes destiny concept, then the cloning ethic issue, divided between two worlds – the modernity and the traditional one. Maybe not by chance tradition comes from the Islamic world, where I longed to return, where I am now, where he came, too and where we met.

A few years later, in 2007, I was handed Brick Lane, more or less a book about destiny.

Fulfilling my destiny, the obsession of my life. Why was I sent here? Why do the things that happen to me happen the way they do?

Last book before moving to the desert was of an Iranian author, Parinoush Saniee, called The Book of Fate. I received it from my colleagues in the Law Association of which I still am the Vice-President upon my successful passing of the Final Bar Exam. At that moment I thought I wanted to share my days with someone, but I knew that was not possible since the destiny had other plans for me. What I learned, destiny does not come easy, as…this is the destiny, it has to happen like this everything will be fine. No! There’s hurdle and hustle and things going against and there’s our freedom to choose…

Digging in my past, I see my future and in this way I’m hoping to find the key to the future.

I want a coat of arms.

I remember dreaming of a house like the one in the movie (a riad), with an interior garden where parties with singers and dancers and colorful caftans occur every now, where a geometric shape well is decorated with pink and yellow flowers, where men sit on cushions and huge pillows sipping tea and smoking shisha. More than a decade later my dreams have not changed, but for sure I have gotten closer to them. Should it be destiny?

Some quotes from the movie: “Anything man dreams of can become reality”, “Man dreams only what he can achieve”, “It is a sin to go against God’s will”.

[…]

Trying to explain myself how I ended up going to Law School and being a lawyer, I realize that even our souls made a contract before coming here, that we chose our parents before coming here.

We have a connection.

Quote from the serial: “The journey makes people come closer”.

Here I found my roots, my long lost roots.

I love going to the corner restaurant where there’s only men. Mainly workers, most of them in their 40s or 50s, some eating and others only savoring a coffee, the look at me with curious eyes.

This is the song of my state right now:

P.S. (January 29th 2016):

Again about Destiny. Over and over again.
My mind runs randomly to the end of the movie “Gia” about the 1970s supermodel Gia Marie Carangi (1960-1986) played by Angelina Jolie.

“Life and death, energy and peace. If I stopped today, it would still be worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I have made and would have on made if I could. The pains that have burned me, scared my soul, it was worth it. For having been allowed to walk where I have walked, which was to Hell on Earth, Heaven on Earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it and above…”

 

Two quotes kept my attention:

“We run away from our dreams afraid we might fail or maybe afraid we will succeed.” (Finding Forrester, a movie I saw right after the interview)

“I’ve never been here yet I feel I’ve returned. I am at peace.” (I Dreamed of Africa, a movie I connect to in a special way, a true story about destiny, about extraordinary thing that come at an extraordinary price)

 

Yours Faithfully,

Your Cabin Crew Lawyer

January 31st 2015, Bucharest, Romania

This weekend was magical in many ways. It started with a double session and some tears at the memories of my childhood at my psychologist and it evolved into an introspection of my whole life, remembrances, thoughts, furry, loneliness.

I prayed a little and read a lot from all the books that touched me in the last 10 years stalled next to my bed and on my nightstand. Then, while watching Wadjda, a Saudi Arabia movie, about a girl wanting a bicycle in a world where it is dishonoring in every ways to ride one, I had a revelation.

Girls in these kind of societies are not desired, women’s only purpose is to give birth to sons and once they don’t another wife is found, a better woman. Why? Because she might give birth to a SON. Therefore, what would the first wife and the daughters feel? Reject, abandon, betrayal. From a psychological point of view, this gives birth to masks – dependence, domination, runner, bringing with them the characteristics of such masks: lack of confidence, dependency, stiffness…

This, together with the pressure of a conservative community and the firm beliefs of both men and women, leads to the secondary, not important role of women. At the same time, their lack of confidence will always say: no, you cannot do that, you are a girl, girls do not do that, girls are not capable, you are no good, you are not in the genealogical tree, you do not exist.

The role in the society itself, to do everything for the man and nothing for themselves, leads them to believe that girls do not exist. Only men deserve something.

How could a person who is constantly told, since the cannot even perceive this, that they are no good, they are not as good as a son, they are not wanted, they are the source of the sorrow of the father who does not have a heir and the sorrow of the mother who is feeling threatened in its social position and family life of the incapacity to give birth to a son, only to a girl, be able to at least try to accomplish something, to start something, to have initiative, to want to do something more than cooking and cleaning?

How could they even do this when they are married when they are between 5th and 8th grade (11-14 years), when they are only girlies, leading to more psychological trauma? When they become mothers at about the same age? When they are girls?

Then I continued my readings about my love Iran, this time the history of Isfahan. Same society, same story!

I gave my usual long Saturday night clubbing sessions on my books on the nightstand and I could not be happier with my choice. Winds of change are blowing my way.

Picture source