October 14th 2015, somewhere around the world

I think I might go crazy. Every line I read, every song I listen to, every part of movie I see I perceive as a message. A divine message. I started watching The Clone again, the famous Brazilian soap opera which I was watching in 2003. The year when I began feeling, I began transforming, I began suffering, as a woman. 12 year have passed and…

I’m on the way of discovering the code of life, the path of destiny and all the information coming my way seems to link as a puzzle. First the too high flow of energy, then the Frequencies movie, then knowledge changes destiny concept, then the cloning ethic issue, divided between two worlds – the modernity and the traditional one. Maybe not by chance tradition comes from the Islamic world, where I longed to return, where I am now, where he came, too and where we met.

A few years later, in 2007, I was handed Brick Lane, more or less a book about destiny.

Fulfilling my destiny, the obsession of my life. Why was I sent here? Why do the things that happen to me happen the way they do?

Last book before moving to the desert was of an Iranian author, Parinoush Saniee, called The Book of Fate. I received it from my colleagues in the Law Association of which I still am the Vice-President upon my successful passing of the Final Bar Exam. At that moment I thought I wanted to share my days with someone, but I knew that was not possible since the destiny had other plans for me. What I learned, destiny does not come easy, as…this is the destiny, it has to happen like this everything will be fine. No! There’s hurdle and hustle and things going against and there’s our freedom to choose…

Digging in my past, I see my future and in this way I’m hoping to find the key to the future.

I want a coat of arms.

I remember dreaming of a house like the one in the movie (a riad), with an interior garden where parties with singers and dancers and colorful caftans occur every now, where a geometric shape well is decorated with pink and yellow flowers, where men sit on cushions and huge pillows sipping tea and smoking shisha. More than a decade later my dreams have not changed, but for sure I have gotten closer to them. Should it be destiny?

Some quotes from the movie: “Anything man dreams of can become reality”, “Man dreams only what he can achieve”, “It is a sin to go against God’s will”.

[…]

Trying to explain myself how I ended up going to Law School and being a lawyer, I realize that even our souls made a contract before coming here, that we chose our parents before coming here.

We have a connection.

Quote from the serial: “The journey makes people come closer”.

Here I found my roots, my long lost roots.

I love going to the corner restaurant where there’s only men. Mainly workers, most of them in their 40s or 50s, some eating and others only savoring a coffee, the look at me with curious eyes.

This is the song of my state right now:

P.S. (January 29th 2016):

Again about Destiny. Over and over again.
My mind runs randomly to the end of the movie “Gia” about the 1970s supermodel Gia Marie Carangi (1960-1986) played by Angelina Jolie.

“Life and death, energy and peace. If I stopped today, it would still be worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I have made and would have on made if I could. The pains that have burned me, scared my soul, it was worth it. For having been allowed to walk where I have walked, which was to Hell on Earth, Heaven on Earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it and above…”

 

A few days ago I ran across an article written a bit differently than the usual ones, called “The Most Important Question You Can Ask Yourself Today”. Its author is Mark Manson (“entrepreneur, author and world traveler” says the site) and it was published here.

The text of the article is the following:

“Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.

Everybody wants that — it’s easy to want that.

If I ask you, “What do you want out of life?” and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” it’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything.

Everyone wants that. So what’s the point?

What’s more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.

Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence — but not everyone is willing to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without the risk, with the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.

Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship — but not everyone is willing to go through the tough communication, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder “What if?” for years and years and until the question morphs from “What if?” into “What for?” And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, “What was it all for?” If not for their lowered standards and expectations for themselves 20 years prior, then what for?

Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.

At the core of all human behavior, the good feelings we all want are more or less the same. Therefore what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re willing to sustain.

“Nothing good in life comes easy,” we’ve been told that a hundred times before. The good things in life we accomplish are defined by where we enjoy the suffering, where we enjoy the struggle.

People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately love the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.

People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to love the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not. Some people are wired for that sort of pain, and those are the ones who succeed.

People want a boyfriend or girlfriend. But you don’t end up attracting amazing people without loving the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings. It’s part of the game of love. You can’t win if you don’t play.

What determines your success is “What pain do you want to sustain?”

I wrote in an article last week that I’ve always loved the idea of being a surfer, yet I’ve never made consistent effort to surf regularly. Truth is: I don’t enjoy the pain that comes with paddling until my arms go numb and having water shot up my nose repeatedly. It’s not for me. The cost outweighs the benefit. And that’s fine.

On the other hand, I am willing to live out of a suitcase for months on end, to stammer around in a foreign language for hours with people who speak no English to try and buy a cell phone, to get lost in new cities over and over and over again. Because that’s the sort of pain and stress I enjoy sustaining. That’s where my passion lies, not just in the pleasures, but in the stress and pain.

There’s a lot of self development advice out there that says, “You’ve just got to want it enough!”

That’s only partly true. Everybody wants something. And everybody wants something badly enough. They just aren’t being honest with themselves about what they actually want that bad.

If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don’t actually want it at all.

So I ask you, “How are you willing to suffer?”

Because you have to choose something. You can’t have a pain-free life. It can’t all be roses and unicorns.

Choose how you are willing to suffer.

Because that’s the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.

The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?

Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It’s the question that can change your life. It’s what makes me me and you you. It’s what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.

So what’s it going to be?”

It is raining. It is Sunday and I just stood up from the chair after 7 hours of correcting the Claimant’s Memorandum of the University of Bucharest Team for the Willem C. Vis Moot in Vienna. It is an extraordinary work and effort these students are doing.

The more I solve from my to-do list, the more tasks appear. I am somehow lost, but yet I feel in control because I know I am on the right way.

I think this new level of workload has changed me and that I am witnessing my own evolution, which began somewhere around October, when the LLM began also. This has happened to me before in 2010 when all of a sudden I started to coordinate two departments of NGOs, I was attending all classes and was also working part time. This is maybe the reason why I am used to and I like big jumps. After I passed the Bar exam, I was a bit bored: same job, same place, same colleagues. First half a year was almost miserable (for my way of being). Then I attended the Hague Academy of Private International Law, then I started working on litigation and LLM started. My sense to (other than Law) knowledge opened more than ever and I must say I am surprised:

I started studying Arabic seriously, devoting at least a few minutes a day for it and the first half of every Saturday;

I started reading all the world politics, foreign policy magazines and article online and hard copy that I can find in every single free moment I have;

I have started reading every night before I do to bed, no matter what, take notes and read more about it;

I started reading personal branding, time efficiency materials etc.;

I started learning world geography. How? I always carry a map with me, the list of the world states with their capitals etc. and every time I have a minute I add up. (I had always had a passion for Geography and in the 8th grade I participated to the National Olympiad. Ever since I procrastinated. I found time and strength for this passion of mine after watching this video. OK, the kid is a genius, but he is 5 years old. Why wouldn’t I know all the capitals of the world?);

It is true that because of my job, LLM and passions I work in a way or other 24/7 and I hold something to read about the same time interval. So, going back to the article I cited I asked these questions a while ago when I decided to invest almost every second of my life in a great investment fund, 100% winning chances, my future.

Good_the_Bad_the_Ugly_soundtrackLast week, at the LLM Comparative International Arbitration class the subject discussed was the arbitrators.

How many arbitrators should the parties choose and which is the criteria leading them to such decision? The answers were the complexity of the case (including multiparty arbitration) and the value of the dispute.

What is an appointing authority and who can act as an appointing authority? When are the situations of such nature that is better to have the arbitrators appointed by an appointing authority?

The most delightful part of the class was the enumeration of those categories of people whom one should not appoint as arbitrators:

1. The Ego-tripper arbitrator, guess?

2. The Super-barrister arbitrator, who acts as counsel of the party;

3. The Super-judge arbitrator, who creates a great number of situations in which he should decide afterwards, making the arbitration procedure difficult;

4. The White Knight arbitrator, who is in the cast for the absolute truth, who acts as an investigator and wants details about all minor aspects, wants details;

5. The Wimp arbitrator, who is unable to be firm, wants to please everybody and cannot take decisions for the proper unfolding of the arbitration procedure;

6. The Unemployed Time Saver arbitrator, who sees arbitration only as a great mean to meet people and chat, to socialize.

As the last book I read, Farah Pahlavi – Memoirs, I have had this book in the library for some years and I had started reading it before.

The existence of a group deciding the majors events of the humanity, the conspiracy theory and the rest of subjects in the same category have fascinated since the school years. Maybe because in the Memoirs, Farah Pahlavi refers a few times to Henry Kissinger as a friend of the royal family and also as the one who intervened for them during the exile period to be welcomed in Mexico, in times when no country in the world would receive them and the visa in Bahamas was going to expire in only three weeks. (I just finished reading this book and I fell like starting over).

Maybe because Etienne Davignon just caused major rumors after his visit in Romania.

I found the book repetitive and lacking substance. Even so, it refers to major events of the contemporaneous era on which I decided to research.

Why? Because I do not borrow other people’s opinions. Because I read both views and then crystallize my own.

So, where do I start. First source, Henry Kissinger – The Diplomacy, the book of the most blamed and challenged figure in The Bilderberg Club.

My bookmark, the handwritten note from a former judge at the International Court of Justice.

This book is about destiny.

Imagine

From an (more than) upper middle class family, ambitious and educated in a strict manner, especially after the death of her highly educated father, son of former consul of Iran in Georgia, Farah Pahlavi is the last wife of the last Shah of Iran.

Imagine

In Memoirs she outlines the previous meetings with the one who was going to become her husband, the power of destiny – she never obtained the scholarship to study architecture in Paris, which would have definitively separated her destiny of the one who was going to be the last shah of Iran and who was going to die away from his country after months of exile rush, the beauty of Iran and of its culture, the exactness in preserving the tradition, buying the royal trousseau of the one who lived the Cinderella dream, the daily royal work, the end of monarchy in Iran, the flee of the royal family after the Iranian Revolution of 1979, the exile and the death of the Shah and finally the continuing of opposition against the Islamist regime in Iran.

Imagine

I admit I liked the first part more than the second part, when the unfolding of the unhappy events of the exile of the Shah and the Shahbanu, even though that was I was initially expecting to read. I got absorbed by the idyllic world painted by Farah Pahlavi.

The book led the readers through the wonders of the 1,648,195 km2 of Iran and of the basil smelling streets of Teheran in the 1960s, the emotions of the young Farah when presented to the Queen mother to whom, due to her week health condition at that time, she lied after the death of the Shah in exile, inventing different activities that he was allegedly doing which prevented him from talking on the phone.

As far as I am concerned, the book greatly raised my curiosity for the area, the geography, the history, the succession of kings, shahs and presidents and the current situation of Iran and I have decided to make a file of the region.

Museum of Contemporary Art of Teheran recently put on display the art collection of Farah Pahlavi, worth over $3 billion, comprising of paintings of Andy Warhol, Picasso, Monet and others.

Imagine

I do not know why I am so fond of this woman, she just fascinates me. Obviously, a woman chosen by the destiny to fulfill it. in moments of great stress, this book she gave life to inspired me and made me continue, gave me faith. A woman raised in a well off family, who has studied for two years architecture in Paris, coming in the summer break at home in 1959, she marries the Shah of Iran. Her life is a fairy tale and she becomes the cover of French and other European top magazines. Then there are the years of glory, the 4 children, the reforms – the agrarian reform in 1962 and the White Revolution with its 6 points in 1963, the initiatives of alphabetization and hygiene, enlightenment and modernization.

 

I read the book during my busiest days ever. My whole retreat was the thought of arriving home at 11 pm or later and reading a few pages. It also impressed me emotionally as it was right in the days before and during the eid. The destiny decided that one of my older aunts died right on the first day of the eid and, as the Islamic traditions says, the following day we were at her burial. For myself, a Muslim raised in a eminently Christian area, it was very impressing. It was a moment when I really saw that there are only three important moments during one’s journey on earth. This is more evident in the Muslim culture, where the tradition is sacredly kept and also very simple and touching.

Imagine

In the same night I continue reading the book and the course of the action was at the death of the Shah in Iran in Egypt, the only country in the world welcoming them. I wonder how strong can one be to resist the severe disease of her husband, the distance of the 4 kids spread all over the world, the protests in front of the windows of the hospital wishing the Shah death, the conspiracies, the trials claiming extradition of the Shah all at the same time, finding that your destiny was decided in a silk tapestry room by some people drinking whiskey and smoking cigars after years it happened and maybe from history books.

Imagine

The book is also a slice of world history, of geopolitics, it talks about human rights, women emancipation. As a matter of fact, Kissinger was one of the close friends of the royal family, facilitating and intervening during the exile period.  It came as no surprise that the book that followed was The Bilderberg Club The Masters of the World. Next one? Henry Kissinger, The Diplomacy.

When I am in the plane, I like to write. Hand write. I wrote this text while I was in the plane taking me to the Hague Academy of International Law on the 27th of July 2013.

I have a smile in the corner of my lips as I realize I am writing with a dark green pen from Konrad & Partners, which I received in Vienna, during the Willem C. Vis Mood Competition on International Commercial Arbitration. I tend to take a symbol of each of my professional trips to my following one, as a sign of continuity. Actually, I just remembered that I wore the dress I bought while I was at the Koln Arbitration Academy at the official opening of the Vis Moot. Professional superstitions!

Airports have always given me a special feeling. I think they capture the right picture of life, the way it is, continuously mingling, with strangers, things that come at a too high price, family or loneliness, discriminatory advantages, hopes, turbulence every now and then, tears when saying goodbye and new beginnings.

I am reading about the International Court of Justice (where I am heading to), the visit of President Peter Tomka to Bucharest, the possible acceptance of the mandatory jurisdiction of the ICJ by Romania and the public debate that was launched in February and was concluded in June this year, about Demetru Negulescu and Dimitie Alexandru Sturdza.

I’m reading Is Harmonisation a Necessary Evil? The Future of Harmonisation and New Sources of International Trade Law by Loukas Mistelis . New articles ideas start appearing. I am thinking about my PhD.

Turbulence, like in life.

But the law principles help you not deviate from your road. “When turbulence  continue reading international law.”

This is the second day of the Academy. This morning I started by attending the Doctoral meeting. It is a great networking tool for the PhD students or for the attendees interested in writing such thesis. I fall under the second category.

The discussion meeting was moderated by someone at the Hague Conference on Private International Law, which will coordinate the 3 workshops, out of which the last one is held at the office of the Permanent Bureau of the Hague Conference on Private International Law.

Further, there was a presentation on the use of the Library.

I rushed through the rain to the Turkish Embassy where the Academy arranged a meeting. Besides my Turkish/Tatar background, I perform a study on Turkey regarding all it’s relations with Romania. I was amazed to find out that the Embassy in Netherlands is one of the biggest in Hague, that they have just celebrated with over 600 hundred events 400 of diplomatic relations between Turkey and Netherlands, that the President of Turkey visited the Netherlands and the Queen visited Turkey on the occasion, that I was talking right to the Chief of Protocol of the event, that Turkey opened over 30 embassies within the last two years, that the foreign policy is rather aggressive (it’s in the blood) etc.

I’m at the Peace Palace Library again in this section between the new and the old building, looking at the “so Hague” rain over the gorgeous gardens of the Peace Palace and the auditorium where the lectures are held. Behind me there are books, in front of me  there is green space, in the right side it’s tradition (the this year 100 years old Peace Palace) in my left it’s innovation (the ultra modern auditorium of the Academy).